5 Things New Parents do to Stay Connected After Baby:

Parenthood brings many joys!  It also brings many stressors and unexpected things.  If you are like most people, you have spend or are planning to spend countless hours prepping for the baby: creating a registry, prepping the nursery, attending childbirth classes, researching parenting techniques… but what about prepping your relationship?  Many couples have the fantasy of vacationing in new family bliss, with no care in the world.  Once you head home from the birthing center and after all the guests and family have arrived to meet your new little bundle of joy, often this is where couples begin to have the reality set in... having a baby is hard!!  Most of us do not fully understand the impact a new baby will have on our relationship, and in fact % of all couples will report a sharp decline in their relationship satisfaction post baby.  What can we do about these staggering statistics?  Here are 5 tried and true ways to stay connected after the arrival of your baby.

1. Give appreciations.  Everyone wants to be appreciated, especially when it is 3am and your baby just blew out of his adorable diaper, in what one would think was the worst mess of the 21st century. Most of us work best after we have rest and food to sustain us.  Relationships are no different.  We need to add fuel and positive energy into our relationship, so we can operate from a positive perspective.  John Gottman’s quote of “small things often” is a reminder to give appreciations and tokens of love to our partners.  Giving appreciations to our partner throughout the day, however small, will add to the emotional bank account of your relationship.

2. Ask questions.  The wedding is not the end, it’s only the beginning of a journey with your partner.  There is an assumption that when we marry, we ideally know everything about our partner.  However, just like seasons, tastes and preferences change.  Just because we got married, doesn’t mean that we know everything about our partner.  The more we know about our partners day including fears, anxieties, exciting moment etc., the more we are able to check in and really understand our partners world.  John Gottman calls this Love Mapping.  It also allows us great practice to then use on our children when they get old enough.  Here are some other example questions you can ask specific to parenthood: What fears do you have in being a father/mother?  What do you hope to instill in our child?  What things do you feel are going well with being new parents?  How are we doing as a couple?

3. Talk about the future.  You just became parents… whoa!  This is a huge philosophical shift!  Daughters become Mothers, Sons become Fathers.  You may discover that values and dreams you were once passionate about have changed, or perhaps you are more clear about what you want out of the future.  Couples who not only share their personal dreams, but also discuss their shared dreams as a couple create a more meaningful and intimate life.

4. Go out, if you can!  Many people come out of the woodwork after you have a baby, and love to spend quality time with a squishy newborn.  Take advantage of it!  If you have family or close friends who offer to help (or even if they don’t) ask them to come over and snuggle a baby while you go out for dinner, take a walk, or even just take a nap with your partner.  Allowing some time away from baby with the two of you helps to maintain your friendship.

5. Engage in non-sexual touch.  Sex after baby can bring up many emotions and could also be physically uncomfortable after some time.  Many breastfeeding  mothers can experience a sensation of being over-touched, which than then lead to feelings of isolation from the partner.  Engaging in non-sexual physical touch increases the feel good hormones, which help you stay connected and also reduces the risk of post-partum depression.  Giving your partner a small back rub, or even holding hands while on the couch has been shown to reduce stress hormones and make us feel more connected.  Talk to your partner about what feels right for you, and also discuss a way to decline sex without hurting the other person’s feelings.

Just remember, chances are the two of you are together for a reason, and we want it to stay that way.  This can be a difficult time for relationships, and it’s okay to talk about it and work through any challenges you have.  Continuing to put energy and time into your relationship will benefit not only you, but also your children.  The greatest gift you can give your child, is a strong relationship between the two of you.